[sustained expletive]

Ah, my life is a comedy. Of errors.

The people I work for are interviewing candidates for my job right now, as I type these words. They advertised without telling me. They still have not told me. I don’t know if they’re setting up to fire me or not, or if they are, when, but no matter how you slice this situation up – there are a lot of particulars about what has happened up until now that complicate it – there is deception, and it hurts and troubles me.

Earlier this week I got a trial job on oDesk to write a couple of articles, one of them about HCG and one of them about a skincare line. They were about two steps up from spam. If the employer likes my work, they will ask for more of the same. It took me two hours to write these, and they were agonizing, atrocious hours. I did not enjoy this work. Maybe I could pretend to enjoy it if it was the only thing in the pipe for me to call Work, but I don’t know if doing it all day would be better or worse than doing it for two hours.

This morning I got up at 4:30 to substitute for a sunrise class, and no one came. I am so punchy and exhausted that I don’t know how I’m going to finish out the day.

Lately I have been so cold during the days at my desk that I’ve taken to wearing knitted mitts over my fingers, because I can hardly type with such cold hands.

My mother doesn’t know any of this. She keeps calling me and we keep having these light conversations, and when she asks me what’s wrong or if there’s anything she can do, I put her off. I feel that all the things she would have to tell me would be discouraging or inadvertently painful. That’s what always happens when I’m in a painful place, or when I’m trying to reach for new opportunities; she says discouraging things and I wind up feeling lower than before.

I know I’m perpetuating a lack of intimacy between me and my mom, but I honestly don’t know what other solution there is. Either I tell her all the things that are happening and she makes me feel rotten about my life, or I tell her nothing and I feel false and distant. Is there a middle way?

This has helped keep my mind occupied, but I have some other work I could be doing. So I think I’ll do it.