sugar praise

Last night, BF and I went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant and went to see Tron. I should say our formerly favorite Mexican restaurant; we loved it because it was cheap, the food was plentiful and delicious, and the service was lightning-fast. We’d be in and out of there in 35 minutes, which was a giant advantage for me and my impatience. But last night we found that they’d raised their prices, and the service had shifted over on the spectrum to the area between ordinary and pretty bad. We’ll definitely give it many more chances, but it bummed us both out that the things we liked best about it were not in evidence last night.

But then we went to see Tron, which we both really enjoyed. If you’re into the geek end of things, grab it in the theater before it goes.

I’ve been reading Carolyn Hax’s chat archives in a disorganized sort of way, opening years and dates pretty much at random. I’ve been finding lots of pearls, but here’s one thing that stuck out to me, from 2007:

“Chevy Chase, Md.: What do you do with a 7-year-old who thinks he knows everything, can do everything without practicing, and while an incredibly fabulous kid, risks really being insufferable as he grows older? At some point, he won’t be cute and precocious. How do I get him to try things and stick with them?

Carolyn Hax: First and most important thing you can do is make sure there is little to no reward for him in being cute and precocious. You don’t want his emotional digestive system to get used to a steady diet of praise and attention, which is akin to refined sugar–quick fuel, no substance–because he’ll go seeking it well into adulthood. What you want is for his diet to be heavy in a sense of accomplishment, which is the product of hard work, prolonged attention and effort, obstacles faced and surmounted–i.e., the complex carbs and protein–so he can develop a habit of sustaining himself emotionally.

How tortured is my metaphor? Let me count the ways…

Practically, this means steering him to, encouraging, praising, and modeling focus and hard work. It’s, “I love that you stuck with it” when he works to get something right, vs. “You’re so smart!” when he pulls off a parlor trick.

If you’re having trouble thinking of or incorporating specifics, it would be worth a conversation with a child-development specialist.”

Lightbulbs went on all over my brain when I read this. I got a whole lot of refined sugar when I was a kid, coupled with a lot of messages about how disappointed they were with me when I failed to do what they wanted me to do. I.e. I’d hear a half-hour lecture about how my grades weren’t good enough, and they’d wrap it up with “we love you and are very proud of you” and send me to my room to think about it. Highly confusing and not remotely helpful.

That short description of the 7-year-old sounds a lot like lil’ me. I was cute and precocious. I grew up thinking that the parlor tricks (and the praise and attention) were the most important part of my identity, and only in the last few years have I attempted to figure out the substantive things about myself that are likable and worthy of praise and attention. Since I’m not cute and precocious anymore, I worry a lot that people don’t like me, that I come across in ways that rub people the wrong way, and I don’t have anything to present about myself that I am confident about.

It’s not that I think this is the key to all my troubles, but it definitely helped unlock big doors and allowed me to peer in. Carolyn does that for me. She’s quickly become my favorite of all the columnists, and I’m a bit of an advice-column junkie, so that’s saying something.

Well. I hope your Tuesday is full of complex carbohydrates and awesome light-cycle battles.