12/27

Oh, achy and sore. I taught too enthusiastically at my free class on Christmas Day, a bit above my ability at the regular class at 8:30 the next morning, and then taught a third time at 10:00. Most of my body is reminding me that I haven’t practiced with any regularity in a few weeks and I need to do that in order to teach without suffering.

The Christmas Day class was fabulous. I had 13 people, some of whom had never been to my studio before. I got two hugs – including one from a cancer survivor for whom this was her first class after completing treatment – and a present, a tube of “chicken poop” from a very handsome middle-aged man. I wore a sparkly, sequined red top, and had lots of fun. I’m definitely doing it again next year.

Christmas Day itself was pretty great. The family was in fine form and I laughed a lot. I had a bad moment of having to sit next to my mother at dinner and listen to her lie, plainly and obviously, and say nothing, which was painful. In the past I have usually called her on it in front of others and watched her squirm, but I felt so angry and impotent and hopeless that instead I just sat there. BF looked in my eyes and sent me caring, loving messages with his brain (we were seated across from each other instead of next to each other). Other than that moment it was mostly great. I love spending time with those folks.

The same thing happened that it does every year: I make gifts for everybody, and I get gifts from about 25% of everybody. I try very hard to remember that I don’t give gifts to get gifts, and that it’s better to give than receive, and anyway if I were receiving I’d be receiving gifts like ugly earrings and very ugly salad bowls (just for instance), but what I’m mad about is not the actual lack of receiving of gifts but rather the lack of I Thought About You that’s evident in not getting any gifts. I am careful to think about every single person who attends Christmas, and I make or get gifts for all of them. They do not do the same for me, and this is four years running that this has happened. That makes me feel like a chump.

Am I wrong about this? I’d love opinions from people who aren’t necessarily as materialistic as I am. And before you say it, yes, I’m glad I’m building goodwill with a family that I love. But still. I’m seriously considering having four years of goodwill be enough.

My father didn’t call. My grandmother did, to tell me she was sorry she hadn’t sent my Christmas check yet, but the weather there has been so bad that she hasn’t been able to go out. She would send it right away, she promised. Does everything have to be about money for my family? (One of my mother’s gifts was money from her Roth account for our wedding fund. There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t even want to get into it.) I can’t believe that was her Christmas message. Not “I love you and Merry Christmas”, but “don’t worry, you’ll get your cash as soon as I can totter out to the bank amid the snowdrifts, I swear”. She’s one of the three packages I have to send this week to faraway friends. I didn’t get to it in the two weeks before Christmas because it was just one more item on the list I couldn’t manage. I like it when presents trickle in after Christmas, so I hope it doesn’t bother the friends either. I wonder if her message would have been different if I’d sent her the gift on time.

BUT AS I WAS TRYING TO SAY BEFORE I GOT ALL MAUDLIN AND IRRITATED, Christmas was great, I got lots of lovely gifts and spent lots of good time with family, it was a joyous and lovely holiday, bah humbug fa la la la la.

Do I sound conflicted? Because I am.

For the record, BF got me four seasons of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, which is a squealy and wonderful present, and I have already made it through about ten episodes, whilst knitting the hat to go with the scarf which I successfully finished mere hours before I wrapped it and gave it to Mom. It’s been so long since I enjoyed a sitcom, and this show is one of my favorite things to watch ever.

BF is off all week, and I very much wish I was at home with him instead of at work. There’s a very relaxed attitude today, which is good, but I am sore and it’s hard to concentrate and I’d love to be at home with him and Mary Richards instead.