on forgetting. and discovering. and tearing out hair.

So, some undefined period of time ago (weeks? days? last month?), I saw a recipe for eggnog-banana oatmeal on Freshly Pressed, and it looked unbelievably mouthwatering, so I decided that as soon as I remembered to buy eggnog, I would make it.

And I did not print out the recipe.

And now that I have eggnog in my refrigerator at last (I went to the grocery store on Tuesday for the first time in about three weeks and the bill was astronomical), I am ready to try the recipe, oh boy, and the recipe seems to have disappeared completely from WordPress and Freshly Pressed (I scrolled backward FOREVER, it seemed) and the entire damn internet.

Oh, wait, Googling helps. There it is. In the meantime I found this one, which actually…looks better, and by way of this search I also discovered this latter blog, full of DELICIOUSNESS, and yay for forgetting to print things out, I guess?

Things have changed at my job significantly in the last two weeks: I am now the sole support for my four attorneys. Our secretary is gone. For various reasons, they will not be hiring a new one; they are sticking with just me. There is a lot of emotional turmoil around all this for me, but suffice it to say that I will be a lot busier in the coming months, and I cannot say as of yet whether I’m happier about that or not.

Last Saturday’s Dress Day, where the moms and my friend M came over and watched me try on my wedding dress, went off without a significant hitch. The moms get even more meddly around each other than they are on their own, which is very awesome for me, but it wasn’t too bad. My own mom seemed fine, had on a very cute skirt, didn’t do very much of the Mom Stuff that drives me goddamn insane. M said she was exactly the way she’d pictured her.

I am teaching a free class on Christmas Day at my studio. I really thought this would be a nice idea, and I am weary of teaching tiny classes and want a big one to rev up my enthusiasm for teaching. I don’t expect a ton of people, but more than two would be good.

I hate being out and about during this season. Everyone’s energy is so high that being around people in stores is like being in a beehive. It’s so noisy with energy and stress that I can barely think. It’s certainly pushed my own stress up higher, when I’ve got enough to think about, thank you.

Usually before Christmas I am super-prepared. Ordinarily I have been making jam and other handmade things for months, I have everything wrapped and ready by the 18th, and I slide into Christmas Eve with ease and aplomb. This year all of that has failed. My handmade idea is a pretty good one and I’m confident that I’ll have it all done before the 25th, but none of the gifts are prepared, the scarf I’m knitting my mother is not even halfway done, only BF’s gifts are wrapped, I have NOTHING for MP, and basically I’m a mess. This has been one of the more stressful and difficult months of the past five years for me, and I am just not in a place where I can whip myself up into a frenzy and stuff and prep and wrap everything. (And when I said something about how difficult this month has been in an email to MM the other day, she sent me this gooey email telling me to count my blessings that made me want to smash my monitor with a bowling ball. Are count-your-blessings messages EVER a good idea? In this case it just made me feel that she didn’t hear me and didn’t sympathize at all.) I am doing the bare minimum right now and I’m going to get down to business tomorrow (I have the day off and will do what I need to do) (and will be starting off my day with a baked oatmeal custard, yes indeedy).

I just don’t want to do any of it. I don’t even want any presents. I want to curl up in my house and eat macaroni and cheese and watch Pixar movies. It will be nice when I’m there on Christmas Day – and even nicer when it’s over – but this year I am feeling reluctance of a different sort than the usual this-will-be-a-waste-of-time and I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-these-grownups-all-day types. This year I want a rest, a dark quiet room, and I’m willing to forgo all the good stuff if I can have one.

No such luck. But – next weekend is New Year’s, which is always calmer and happier for me than the prior week’s festivities, and I’m taking off Thursday as well. That will be a nice rest. I don’t know if I’m going to make it till then, though…I am frazzled and worn out and the last thing I want to do is assemble and wrap 10 handmade gifts in the next 48 hours.