30 Questions of Truth, Part 3

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Go see her at the hospital? I’m not clear on this one. Is the question asking whether I’d feel guilty about the fight, or whether that would change how I react to the car accident? No, I don’t think so…I could not have guessed that the events would happen in the same day.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Two incidents wherein I had sex with men that I didn’t want to have sex with. One was a one-night stand with a kid from Yale, a freshman when I was a senior, and apparently I was part of a bet with his friends. My enjoyment of the sex ended almost as soon as it had begun, but I let him go on and finish. I was as noisy as I could manage to be, hoping to turn him on enough that he’d get it over with, but it didn’t work that well and my suitemate was really mad at me the next day (until I explained why). I don’t know that I’d've done it any differently if I could inject my 21-year-old self with my 28-year-old confidence and self-respect, because no matter what the situation, it’s rude and awkward to say “I’m not having any fun, so give it up and let’s both go to sleep.” With a guy who’s a virtual stranger, it could be dangerous to do so.

The other incident was one I’d rather keep private, but it was very stupid of me to try and depend on this man for friendship when that was not what he wanted from me. And I learned there are worse things than staying in with a roommate that’s mad at you. Wish I’d just stayed home.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Told off my parents, back when I was a teenager. SN recommended this, actually, but I never did it. He was an asshole even then, but in this case he might have been right. They might just have tightened their grip harder and made me even more miserable, but there’s a part of me that wishes I could have stood up to them even once, just to see what would happen. They made me feel so laughable and so small that I thought any kind of rebellion on my part would be ridiculed and then punished. But I’ll never know what would have happened.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I made this mix for Boomer a few years ago, and it has endured. My theme at the time was voices – all the songs showcase different and interesting voices in different and interesting ways. I did not intend to send him any personal message. Well, except that I was joking with him a little with “Carmella”.

1. Sam Cooke – Touch the Hem of His Garment
2. Green Day – Jesus of Suburbia/City of the Damned/I Don’t Care/Dearly Beloved/Tales of Another Broken Home
3. Paul Simon – Peace Like a River
4. Evanescence – Lithium
5. Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek
6. Bad Religion – Sorrow
7. Beth Orton – Carmella
8. Bill Withers – Use Me
9. Blue October – Into the Ocean
10. Frou Frou – Flicks
11. Paul Simon – Graceland
12. Joanna Newsom – This Side of the Blue

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Look, either human existence is a huge and amazing and eternal mystery, or it’s not a mystery at all. Either we’re here for reasons that we cannot comprehend, with threads of destiny and self-determinism woven all throughout and around in this enormous four-dimensional tapestry, by a wielder of needle and thread whose purpose and nature we will never understand, or – and this is the theory I prefer – we’re here because we’re here, and that is all. Since I cotton to the second notion, I believe I’m still alive because I’m still alive. I haven’t been hit by a bus yet. If I believed that I had a destiny, it would probably be to write books, but I frankly don’t think that what I have to contribute to literature is as important as all that.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, indeed. Starting when I was in middle school, and peaking here.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

That I’m getting married. Not because it’s lots of fun to answer all the questions (or stand there and listen, as people pretend to be interested in my wedding but really just want to relive their own), but because I really can’t wait to be married to BF.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I’m going to take the Fifth on that one.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Get rid of the chip on my shoulder about people underestimating me. The reason why is, well, I want not to have that chip on my shoulder. It’s not any fun to see the world through a certain negative filter.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

This would be too long. I love lots of things about myself. The things I love the most about myself are my good heart and my dedication to honesty. I never lie or withhold the truth unless it’s necessary via Dear Abby’s standards.