connected. irreversible. freakish.
When BF got home that night, I talked about the video experience with him. We are both pretty damn sure that we don’t want children, and have both been clear with one another on that point from the very beginning of our relationship. The biggest reason is that we like our lives the way they are, selfish as it may be. I don’t want to expend the time and energy and money necessary on a child for 18 years to life. The fact that I had this pregnancy/childbirth phobia factored into it, but I had always thought that if I changed my mind about the emotional and practical reasons for not wanting children, the physical feelings about having a baby would get changed as well.
What I told BF was that there was a new level of certainty for me: I was now positive that, without some kind of miraculous psychotherapy (or possibly a brain transplant), I could never give him a child of ours unless someone else carried it. I have tokophobia, and it will prevent me from having children of our own – even if I wanted them. Practically, it kind of pains me to think about this, because a child of his and my genes would be a hell of a terrific kid. I know BF would be a wonderful father. But neither of us wants to raise a child, and I think it’s clear now that I cannot carry one without serious psychological damage. I wanted to know that this was okay with him, since we’re getting married, after all, and he assured me that it was. I said of course we could adopt if we changed our minds, and he said sure.
I told him that another idea had occurred to me – that maybe this was part of the reason I’ve been having the troubles with sex that I’ve been having for the last couple of years. I have alluded to them here but not talked about them. And I still am not really ready or happy to talk about them. As I’ve said before, BF is a living, breathing human, and I don’t want to unintentionally humiliate or lessen him in the eyes of people who do not know him by talking about what a pathetic partner I am in the bedroom. Maybe people would only think he was noble, and the humiliated party would be me, but I don’t want to have to parse out potential reactions like that. Suffice it to say, 1) it is completely my fault, and 2) my life and happiness would be hugely improved if there was a way I could increase my libido a hundred-fold.
After my reaction to the video, I wondered if perhaps the pregnancy thing and the sex block were connected. Maybe I was so petrified of getting pregnant that I was afraid to have sex unless I really desperately wanted to. I knew early on in our relationship that, despite the fact that a D&C* would probably be my decision, I would have a very hard time terminating a pregnancy if it was BF’s and mine, because I know what a great kid ours would be. But until I sweated through that horrible video, I hadn’t known the depths of my fear of pregnancy itself. That fear might be driving all kinds of other machines in my personality that I’m quite unaware of.
So, the upshot of all this is, I began to consider getting my tubes tied far sooner than I’d thought. My idea all throughout my twenties has been to start investigating it by my 30th birthday, because at that point I will be square in the middle of my childbearing years (and will have been on the pill for most of them – and I think it’s just too much progesterone to ingest for another 15 years). I thought that if I had warmed no more to the idea of children after fifteen years of fertility, it’s unlikely to happen. Neither BF nor I is a fan of irreversible sterilization, because we are both open to the possibility that we could change our minds, as unlikely as it seems. But after this new epiphany, I started to wonder if going on and having the procedure done sooner rather than later would bring me some peace of mind that I’m clearly lacking. Again, we can always adopt.
The problem becomes getting it done. I’m still in my twenties, and it’s a hard sell to a doctor who could face a lawsuit in six or seven years. Tiffany has explained that I could be subject to therapy before I’ll get a green light. That would probably not be a terrible idea, all things considered, but it’s humiliating that I can’t make my own choice.
All along, since the first time I told someone I didn’t want children and was laughingly told that I’d change my mind, I’ve felt like something of a weirdo. Finding that I have an actual mortal dread of the whole concept of carrying a child makes me feel far more freakish. I’m glad to learn that there are other women like me out there – even if it looks like most of them do want kids where I don’t. (Which is actually worse, poor gals.) Even though it was a horrible experience to watch that video, it showed me things about myself that speak of better times ahead – more certainty, more power over my life. Like so many boss battles: hard, but worth it.
To be continued.
*As a courtesy to me, please do not use the a-word in leaving comments. I don’t want to be searchable by trolls with that word.
