tired, no. exhausted, yes.

I don’t think I’ve slept as poorly as I did last night in years. I was awake and waiting for sleep to come for most of the night. We didn’t even get to bed until midnight, and at 1:37 I turned over to look at the clock and went, “okay, this is bad.” I also felt strange during most of the night that I was trying to sleep, drifting towards dozing and then awaking again, feverish, with a racing brain. At some points I felt like I was almost experiencing waking dreaming, because my mind went to weird places and asked weird questions. But I still wasn’t asleep.

I spent some of the night praying that no one will come to my class this morning. (The class, of course, is part of the reason I slept so poorly: stayed up late anyway, only going to get 6 hours, so the pressure’s on to sleep now and sleep good, and I didn’t.) I have never felt less qualified to teach yoga than I do this morning. If people show up, presumably I’m meant to learn something from that, but I asked whatever’s up there to please cut me a break this one time so I can come home and go back to bed.

The reason we got in so late last night was BF’s cousin’s wedding. She shares a lot of her guest list with us, so it was interesting to see what we’ll do that’s similar to what she did (and what isn’t). The wedding took place at MP’s house, and it was really just beautiful. The bride looked lovelier than I’ve ever seen her. I drank a good deal and danced some and had a good time, but I was ready for it to be over long before it was so I could be in bed . I couldn’t believe how long the party was, actually – the guests had all arrived by 4:30, and the DJ didn’t stop the music until 11:00. Of course, the guests were more than half people our age, who like to party.

The processional was like so: the groom walked his parents down the aisle on either side of him, and the bride, shortly after, did the same. The bride’s parents were divorced years ago, and I have to admit to my shame that I felt a bolt of extreme jealousy when I saw them walking her down the aisle together. They’re grownups, said my brain. How fucking nice for you. I felt awful, because it was her day and I was genuinely happy for her, but I can’t lie: it was upsetting to me. My father was much on my mind all of yesterday, in fact, thinking about what he’s going to miss 13 months from now. More about that some other time.

Someone pointed out that starting this morning, the spotlight has moved from the newlyweds to me and BF. We’re next, and they’re going to start pecking at us right away. One of BF’s aunts has been a particular irritant in that way in the last few days. I have always had the suspicion that she doesn’t like me – she doesn’t wait for me to finish my answers to questions she asks me before commenting on them, she doesn’t always meet my eyes, and generally I just get the feeling from her that she’d rather be somewhere else than talking to me. She really loves BF, though – I think he’s her favorite among the nieces and nephews. Anyway, she’s been asking me nonstop picky little questions about the wedding, and I’ve been answering her as best I can, but I’m exasperated to the point where I want to just send her the giant document describing the wedding so she’ll leave me alone. The other half of me wants to say “Just wait and see!”, because I can’t imagine it’ll be much fun to attend a wedding where you know every detail of how things will go.

BF spent some of yesterday playing Red Dead Redemption, which is a Western open-world game from the makers of GTA. It’s very enjoyable to watch (and, it appears, to play). I have to say, the thing I like best about it is the music; they completely nailed the cool Sergio Leone style of Western music, with whistling and the occasional mouth-harp and all. It’s a deep, wide game, with excellent dialogue and remarkable graphics.

I’ve got to hit the ol’ dusty trail myself, so I can go teach. I’m really, really hoping that everyone will stay home this morning.

Update: The universe either did not hear me or decided the best thing to do was send me three students: two regulars and a brand-new, somewhat rude and irritating woman. I then proceeded to reinjure my right hamstring; you may remember that the previous injury…hamstrung me two years ago in the late summer. It’s too early to tell if it’s a tear or if I just snapped a ligament the wrong way and bruised the muscles in there (which was what I felt like when I did it - the resulting pain feels a lot like whatever I did to my shoulder at teacher training, which was probably just a bad overstretch of connective tissue), but I’ll know more in a few days.

FUCK. I wasn’t even overstretching myself. And now I have to teach through whatever this is – before I just had to deal with being a student through it.

At least it meant I could cancel my 4:00 class. (Secret glee.)