battling Sephiroth
Last night was the final class in A&P. I thought I’d be relieved, but something occurred that drained me of all my relief and upset me very badly. Unfortunately right now I’m going to have to keep it private. (It was not any kind of bad-grade issue; far more deeply affecting than that.)
I asked BF to come home slightly earlier than he’d planned to comfort me, which he did, and as we sat together, he told me he thought this was the last boss battle. He said I was in the level where I have to fight Sephiroth, which goes beyond difficult and is just emotionally exhausting, to keep going and going and dying and dying and starting all over again, and then FINALLY you fucking beat Sephiroth and it’s harder than all the rest of the bosses put together and you feel like a million bucks. Then, he said, you just have to do a quick-time battle (press X to not die), where you use omni-slash for the first time in the game, and you slash a million holes in him, and he’s really truly dead, and the game is over and the credits run and you get up and make a sandwich with your aching fingers.
I had interpreted this as talking about the mental health troubles I’ve had lately, from my father issues, to criticism from my boss and the internet trolls, to the whole wedding matrix and how it’s deteriorating me, to handling job-school-teaching and how much more it’s taken out of me than I’d considered. This last trauma, from last night, has easily been the worst, and possibly the key that may unlock several psychological problems I’ve been struggling with for years. To imagine that I’d just gotten through the Sephiroth battle was a useful metaphor for me.
When I thought about it this morning, though, I realized that he’d just been talking about the A&P class – that dealing with this final class was the Sephiroth boss battle and the quick-time battle will be the exam on Monday. Oops. Well, even if that’s how he’d meant it, oh well, I’d gotten something even more comforting out of it. One of the rare times I’ve misinterpreted him.
I’m sorry to keep this trauma to myself for now, but, please, bear with me.
—
In other news, I have a co-worker to whom I am simply aching to say STOP TALKING, PLEASE STOP TALKING, JUST STOP TALKING. PLEASE. GOD. STOP. TALKING. But I can’t, I am bound to sit here and be polite and say nothing. I’m so frustrated by this that I can hardly focus on these words as I’m typing them. Headphones are not acceptable here, but I’m considering them anyway, maybe I’ll get fired and will get to be away from her and her endless, endless one-way conversation.
I have a doctor’s appointment today, I’m teaching class tomorrow, and I made a really truly excellent mix for Sunday’s class earlier in the week. To the point where I’m considering burning copies for friends and family, even people who demonstrably don’t like this kind of music at all. *cough TB cough* It’s such a chill-out set of songs, and I’m so pleased with it. My new strategy for work, which consists of “relax and let them come to you”, is working well and has waaaay diminished my stress level. I ate a delicious burrito last night. Dear Margo’s first letter today was pretty…something. I was going to comment about it simply to say “Oof” because wasting angry words on that guy is pointless, but decided against it.
And that’s all there is to say.
May 13, 2010 at 10:04 am
“Boss battle.” Heh. Tell BF he slays me as always.
Still, a boss battle is what you make of it. If thinking of all this in some way helped you come to a sort of epiphany about all sorts of troubling things, then who cares how he meant it? If a parable has meaning to you then it matters little how the teller intended it.
Don’t apologize for keeping your trauma private – short term or long term. Dys’s wonderful former therapist once told her that “Your story belongs to you, and who you share it with and when are yours to determine.” She was one smart lady – and wise, which is not necessarily the same thing.
As for the coworker, I can’t help it, the first thing that popped into my head was “Eat a lot of broccoli, cauliflower, and dark chocolate and let nature take its course.” Which I suppose is sort of like winning the war in Iraq by nuking the Arabian Peninsula from orbit, but hey. It makes for a fun thought.
Shoot me the music; sometimes I like stuff that would surprise you.
I will NOT read Margo until Friday! I have to save up until both Thurs and Fri letters are posted! (She described it via Twitter and I’m already cringing.)
May 13, 2010 at 10:44 am
At first, I thought “the boss battle” referred to goings-on at work, as I know nothing about gaming. It’s good to hear that work stress (other than annoying-as-hell coworker) has eased.
As for your trauma, well, I think the quote from the therapist quoted above nailed it. I suppose I can’t speak for any of your other readers, but I don’t need to know what the specific hurt is, in order to feel deeply for you. So, simply, peaceful thoughts and hugs to you from Internet land.
Thank you, the hugs are well-appreciated. “Boss battle” means the big guy that you fight, usually with special powers, at the end of the level in any given video game. The boss battle at the very end of the game is generally the hardest.
May 14, 2010 at 11:04 am
Thanks for clarifying.
May 13, 2010 at 10:44 am
That Sephiroth fight at the end of Final Fantasy VII was the most annoying boss fight I can remember. I just felt like it kept going on and on and each time I thought I won, he would transform into some other new version I had to fight.
And then finally at the end I get a little one-on-one Cloud vs Sephiroth fight where I said “use ultimate destroying power attack that I didn’t have until just now!” and defeated him.
So, initially, I meant it as just the AP class but this last class kinda tied it back to all the other stuff you’ve been doing, so by the time I was done explaining I figured it applied more generally than when I started.
So you were both right and right.
Ah, I love being right. Thanks for clarifying this.
May 13, 2010 at 11:43 am
Dude, you can let her be right for another year, but after the wedding you’ve gotta cut that shit out.
June 5, 2010 at 10:56 am
So I’m sitting here catching up on my blog reading and came across this one little section about your co-worker who won’t stop talking. Dude – I am dealing with the SAME THING and have been for months. I don’t know what to do, and worse, I don’t know that there’s a solution to this problem. I even went to some of our training material to learn about dealing with difficult people in the workplace and all I found out was that there are some people who don’t share anything about their personal lives at work and some who share too much. Under obvious, see obvious. This person is my office neighbor and I swear it’s like torture. I don’t want to be outright rude since she is a very nice lady, but HOLY SHIT. I’ve had many years’ experience in an office environment and I’ve never known anyone who shares as much as this woman. To everybody. And I’m finding other people agree with me, but again this doesn’t solve the problem.
I don’t know; all I can say is I sympathize. A lot.
I don’t know that there’s a solution either. Our bosses have been keeping her busy enough that she’s been talking less, but it still drives me and our closest office neighbors insane.