worky schooly sucky
Look at meeee, I’m posting from work!
All three of the attorneys I support are out of the office, and I’m rather out of work to do, so here I am.
I had a difficult day yesterday and whined and moaned to BF all the way home about my situation. I’m having a hard time at my job, because I’m feeling more or less like a complete imposter. I don’t feel that I’m doing much work at all, and I feel that the work I’m doing is being done pretty poorly, and I don’t know why anyone would keep me on with what I’m doing.
I think I’m accustomed to the job I did for six months prior to this, where I was working literally all day long, with a 20-minute break for lunch and five or six minutes total throughout the day to check my email or call BF. At my old job in Annapolis I used to take an hour to write my blog posts every morning, and I goofed off for a whole lot of the rest of the day, and no one batted an eye, least of all me. But I’m used to people checking me and my work all the time now, and I don’t know how to go back to the white-collar attitude. Especially now that I’m billing my time, which is a whole other set of headache and heartache and inadequacy that I won’t go into here.
At this point, I am feeling like within the next couple of weeks or so someone is going to swoop down on me at my desk and reveal that I never really went to college at all, that I have no paralegal education or skills or experience, and that I’m a total fraud at trying to hold down this job. None of this is true, but I feel so insecure and inadequate that I am completely stressed out about it. The only feedback I’ve gotten from two of the attorneys has been good, and the third one is a total perfectionist (which I respect, and she’s not at all a bitch about it), and I’m not exactly complaining about that but it leads to me feeling like the worst employee who ever dragged her sorry ass to work.
BF reminded me that I tend to be my own worst critic. Decidedly true. I am trying to feel better about it, but I feel anxious and unhappy every day waiting for the axe to fall.
And my community college class is making me so unhappy, y’all. I’m not flunking it, not so far, but I don’t think I’ll ever cram enough information into my head to pass the class without frantic and lengthy studying. I’m halfway through it, and if I drop it now I’ll lose the $400 I spent on it and get a “W” on my AACC transcript (oh, God, no, not that, please, no) [/sarcasm], but I won’t have to do it for another two months. I’ll also have to start all over if I decide to do it again in the future for whatever reason. I’m trying to make up my mind. I’m not really a quitter – not anymore – but I’m not sure it’s worth it to stick it out on something that’s making me so sincerely miserable, just because I said I would. This class is harder than the entire paralegal program put together.
The good news? I ordered that dress from China.
Yep, that’s it.
March 30, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Haven’t you lost the $400 anyway? Classic definition of a “sunk cost.” Being miserable for two months won’t bring the $400 back. I think I’d cut it loose, personally…unless you’d beat yourself over the head more vigorously for quitting or “wasting” the money than you would for suffering through the damned thing hour after suck-ass hour.
In theory, yes, but if I have to go back and do it again, I’ll have to pay another $400. Otherwise I’d agree with you totally, that the money’s gone and no use boohooing over it.
I think I know you just well enough to say that you are, indeed, your own worst critic. Take your inner critic out for a couple of drinks, get her to see you ain’t so bad, you’re just trying to make a livin’, that’s all. Seriously, speaking as someone who is still his own worst critic, learning to disconnect the worst of the dysfunctional inner monologue in my early 30s was one of the happiest moments in my life.
You lived in VA long enough that, combined with your mom’s heritage, it will earn you a pass on the “y’all.” But imagining you saying it in person is cracking me up.
…I say it all the time…
WOOHOO for the dress!
March 30, 2010 at 8:42 pm
As far as work goes, effort is something that cannot be measured. It seems to me that these people would let you know early on if you weren’t “measuring up.” Just keep plugging away…I am pretty confident you’ll get into the flow there soon enough.
March 31, 2010 at 7:14 pm
OK, you seriously need to cut yourself some slack about work. You are NEW there. You can plead ignorance for at least 6 mos. It takes time to get up to speed. Chill the hell out and get the job done, girl!
I guarantee that 2-3 mos from now you’ll be breezing through this job.