in fact, I don’t even know where the loop *is*

This is a day of allowing the petty stupidities of life to seriously alter my mood. Sitting in traffic for 45 minutes because OG insisted that I leave for an errand in Baltimore first thing in the morning. Finding all kinds of troubling paperwork in my office that I need to organize or get rid of somehow in the next two weeks. Clamor asking me to do tasks that should have been done weeks ago. Through it all, I am just baffled as to how this firm is possibly going to wind down the way that OG explained to me that it would the day she told me I was being laid off. If we’re going to farm all the admin work out to other firms, how come we’re all still as busy as ever and no whisper of the actual farming (because that itself is going to be a lot of work) has come through the wire? Are our clients ever going to be told that their contacts at the firm are being let go?

I said a lot of this to my mom the other night when she asked me how things were going at work, and she said “Do you think it’s all a lie, and that they’re just letting you go and no one else and they made the rest of it up?” I said I doubted it, because that would be a really weird thing to do, and also Thursday is BB’s last day, but at this point I just have no idea what’s going on. I guess they’re waiting until the very last moment to do anything radical about all this work, in case money to keep us all drops out of the sky somehow, but that seems like the worst idea ever to me, because it’s not like the work is just going to stop once DT and I are gone.

I don’t know. As usual, I’m completely out of the loop. And although most of me just doesn’t care, because I can’t bring myself to care too much about any aspect of a job where I’ve been treated like I have here, it worries me that from the 27th to the 30th I might be seriously busting my ass to do all that is not getting done now.

Another of life’s mysteries: are we getting paid tomorrow? You’ll just have to tune in to the next episode.

Brrr. I am really in a bad mood. Let’s talk about yoga.

Yesterday was Paul’s class, and it was pretty cool. We did backbends and quad stretches, preparing us for eka pada rajakapotasana with the shin against the wall and lunging. I was able to reach back and hold my foot with my hand, and I would have been able to hold it for longer than a couple of seconds if my thighs weren’t burning madly from the intense lunges we did earlier. I was so proud of myself. I did do this on Thursday, but it might’ve been a fluke, y’know, so I’m really happy I did it again. There was a lady in who was taking her first yoga class ever, and she really did great. She was way more in touch with her body than new folks usually are and was able to follow most of Paul’s instructions.

Unsurprisingly, yoga seems to be how I’m expressing myself during this difficult time. I’ve been able to go a lot deeper into poses and my stamina has been intense over the last couple of weeks. I hope this doesn’t mean that I’m beating myself up, but rather that yoga is where I’m putting my focus while everything else that there is to focus on is quite negative.

Jennifer, one of my teachers (and one of the better teachers I’ve had), has invited me to go to a workshop in North Carolina over the first weekend of August. (This would mean that I’d miss my last day at this job, the 31st, but just guess as to whether I care.)  It’s in Asheville, at a studio that I know is pretty great, and is being taught by a Buddhist yogi. She has been so generous about trying to get me to go to this workshop. She ended up offering to loan me the $350 for the flight down there and to ask about getting me a partial scholarship to the workshop itself. I emailed her back with a compromise – I’ll drive there and pay for the workshop myself (if I get paid tomorrow), but will accept her offer to sleep in her hotel room – and I hope that’ll be OK with her. In reading up on the guy and the workshop, I think it might be just what I need right now. And I do love a nice long drive.

I’m going to try to continue posting every day over the next two weeks when I’ll be traveling, and if things get too busy you may have to put up with some memes and yoga pose breakdowns and so on. I have a few ideas for poses I want to write about, and I just haven’t had the chance to look up the photos and wax on them. But I will, and I’ll even shake this mood I’ve been in for the last week or so, with any luck.